Mad Brit Diary

Oceania gets raw deal from FIFA.

(Friday, July 4, 2003) -- So what's worse than a Mad Brit who's out of teabags? A Mad Aussie who's just been snubbed? Or, how about a Mad Fijian or a Mad Samoan?

Oh yes, my dear soccer friends, they are all pretty mad down in Oceania these days. Even Captain Scott is turning over in his cold grave in Antarctica. The penguins are rioting and the koala bears have gone on strike. There may be plenty of pretty beaches and big coconuts in those sunny climes -- think Tahiti and Fiji -- but none of that is cheering up the local natives this week. The wonderful people of the Oceania region, which includes 11 nations, are all peeved off and reaching for their Prozac, after the barons at world governing body FIFA took away the region's guaranteed berth at the 2006 World Cup.

Every Bruce and Sheila from Brisbane to Sydney is cursing the soccer bosses residing in Geneva. The Mad Brit pities any quarrelsome kangaroo in the Australian outback. The place is crawling with mad Aussies ready to vent their anger. And you all know what material the best soccer boots are made of these days? Little cute baby kangaroos. That's right folks, David Beckham and Thierry Henry are running around wearing the remnants of a dead kangaroo.

Poor Skippy Boy, did FIFA stick it to Oceania big time. Seven months after voting to give Oceania a certain spot at the 2006 World Cup, the guys with the bulging expense accounts in Switzerland, changed their minds and made a U-Turn. Don't invite those guys to a soccer convention in Vanuatu any time soon. Let them make do with a hot dog in Swindon, England. The whole sordid affair was done to please the South Americans, who boast a rich soccer tradition and were demanding to get back their chance to get a fifth berth at the World Cup through the playoff system with the lads from Oceania -- which usually means Australia -- the same as in 2002.

Apologies to the Cook and Solomon Islands. Now the Mad Brit is not really sure in his heart of hearts whether Oceania deserves an assured spot at the World Cup, but he's shaking his aspirin-induced head at the way this whole stinking deal was done. Heavy-handed, comes to mind. Spineless, ruthless, etc. It was like killing Captain Cook all over again. Now wait a minute, Cook discovered most of Oceania, but was speared to death in Hawaii. Bloody Yanks.

And all this in a week when the Mad Brit had to watch David Beckham's medical live on Spanish television. The horror, the sheer horror. The nurse with those rubber gloves looked awful. Now let's face it, the Oceania guys, with their grass dresses, haven't helped themselves in the past. New Zealand got outscored 11-1 in three games at the recent Confederations Cup in France. (Kiwi defender Ryan Nelsen looked as bad as the before mentioned nurse.) And remember when Australia hammered American Samoa 31-0 in a freak show they had the nerve to call a World Cup qualifying game in April 2001. It was a disgrace. The 203rd-ranked Samoans were pulling people straight of the street to play. My grandmother could have started.

Archie Thompson scored 13 goals, which was the epitome of vanity and stupidity. After four goals, Archie should have gone for a cuppa tea and let the ball boy replace him. All this came after the Aussies had destroyed Tonga 22-0 a few days earlier. And Oceania wants us to take them seriously. Last week, Ahongalu Fusimalohi of Tonga, Oceania's only FIFA executive committee member, said the world body had made his region a "laughingstock."

Excuse me! Australia beating Tonga 22-0 is a laughingstock. Still, that's no excuse for the way Oceania was treated by FIFA. Let's be sensitive here. Fiji and Tahiti wants to play in the World Cup. Well, if tiny Jamaica did it in 1998, why not Fiji one day? But there is some sanity to all this. Oceania is now lobbying FIFA for a four-country tournament to decide the final two play-off spots at the 2006 World Cup instead of risking a home-and-away match with South American qualifying's fifth-place team.

Oceania sees a tournament as the fairest way to decide the last of the 32 World Cup berths and suggests that its winner -- certain to be Australia or New Zealand -- should play countries from Asia, South America and CONCACAF, the U.S. region, in a four-team event. The four countries would play each other home-and-away, and the top two would make the trip to Germany.

Now, the Mad Brit thinks that is great and fair idea. And the 2006 World Cup would remain at 32 teams. At least that's a relief. Now where are those TV reruns of "Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo" that the Mad Brit watched as a kid.?

A Spanish health company paid $414,000 to sponsor David Beckham's medical as it was screened live on Real Madrid TV. The 28-year-old midfielder signed officially with Real, the Spanish giant, on Wednesday after being traded for $41 million from Manchester United. Beckham will wear number 23 at Real.

London businessman Ken Bates purchased debt-ridden Chelsea in 1982 for the price of a hamburger at $1.70. This week, he sold the Premier League club to Russian tycoon, Roman Abramovich, earning himself a $30 million profit.

After seven years at Chelsea, Italian star Gianfranco Zola is returning home to play for Cagliari in Sardinia. The 36-year-old, who was recently voted the club's greatest player, is leaving after being told to take a major pay cut.

Zola played over 300 games for the London club, scoring 80 goals.

Junior Agogo, who played two seasons in Major League Soccer (2000-2001) with Chicago, Colorado and San Jose, moved from Barnet in England to Bristol Rovers for $183,000.

Lucas tells the Mad Brit: "Mate, mate, mate, mate, sorry to say but you've got it wrong here. Beckham's transfer away from (Manchester United) has three parts:

"Money - At 29 this year, Beckham has only three-to-four good years in him left, and receiving anywhere near the possible 30 million pounds Man U. was paid for him is an incredible feat, especially in the deflated transfer market of today. Definitely, that kind of money could help secure the services of Ronaldinho.

"Image - Sir Alex Ferguson, in his time as a player, was a hard-working and even harder-tackling type player and does not believe the Beckham's glitz and glamour lifestyle and media exposure they currently have around the globe. He freely admits that David is not the player he was when they won their spectacular treble of the Premiership, the League Cup and the European Champions League.

"Tactics - Man. U. has had a change in tactics in the last two years. The signings of (Ruud) van Nistlerooy and Juan Sebastion Veron were the beginning of the end for the likes of (Paul) Scholes, (Ryan) Giggs and Beckham. Man. U., for the majority of the season, played a lone striker and two attacking midfielders behind this. With only one striker to aim at, could even Beckham give decent enough service to the lone striker? Definitely not, no matter how good, one man cannot beat four defenders in the air, plus a goalkeeper. Sir Alex Ferguson seems to favor a more continental style of European football like Arsenal, Real Madrid and Juventus. Beckham does not have the versatility or the adaptability to meet these new demands. Beckham is a world class player and is not overated at all. He simply isn't going where Manchester United is anymore and the pros of letting him go outweigh the cons, simple and clear."

Gurdip from Los Angeles writes: "Mad Brit, you are making me mad with your complete and utter obsession with Man. U. Are there no other clubs to talk about? It's Man. U. this, Man. U. that. I am SICK of it. What's even more sickening is the David Beckham circus. As for Posh, looking at her anorexic, silicon-enhanced body really does make me ill."

Strom writes: "I'm tired or hearing about Beckham. I just want to see him play. Just like I want to see Clint Mathis and Josh Wolff play together. Why is (U.S. coach Bruce) Arena so stubborn about that combo? They have chemistry. And how did Frankie Hejduk end up captain of the U.S. men's national team?

Chris Fagan says: "For a "Mad Brit," you demonstrate a very American lack of geographical understanding. Neither Istanbul nor the rest of Turkey is in the Balkans!"

Tom-Battcock-Emerson says: "Daniel Barrera is wrong. Arena has not only started Mathis since the World Cup, but has named him captain as well. Without Eddie Pope and Tony Sanneh, the U.S. defense is suspect, but we all knew that. At least there are a lot more options than there were four years ago. Some of those guys will distinguish themselves during World Cup qualification, just as Sanneh did. It would help if more of them got overseas.

"Cory Gibbs and Steve Cherundolo have benefited a lot by playing in Germany. Not succeeding overseas has not made Hejduk or Jovan Kirovski worse players, they just haven't gotten much better. Landon Donovan, Mathis, DaMarcus Beasley, Carlos Bocanegra and Tim Howard have reached a point where MLS can no longer improve their games. Playing stiffer competition day in and day out is needed. Claudio Reyna, John O'Brien, Brad Friedel and Kasey Keller having honed their games in Europe and are indispensable to the U.S. against world-class competition. To improve their games to the level required for success at the World Cup, European play is still the best way.

"The real difference between the also-rans of world soccer (like the U.S.) and the contenders is touch, specifically first touch. The ability to confidently and quickly control the ball allows all the creative aspects of the game to happen. It allows more time for field vision, for assessing the play, for making the pass or getting in the shot. Lacking it, the U.S. finds itself running around, trying to defend, because it can't control the game.

"When you read the bios of the members of the U.S. national team, you see that a good number of them played other sports in high school. Playing American football doesn't do much for your touch. At the same age, most of the Brazilians did other things too. They breathed, they ate, they played soccer and probably not a lot more.

Heard a rumor, have a gripe or a tip? Feeling lonely? E-mail the Mad Brit at themadbrit3@aol.com.