Mad Brit Diary

Where are the British at Bolton?

(Friday, May 2, 2003) -- There was the Mad Brit watching Bolton cling to life in the English Premier League last week. The northern club battled mighty Arsenal as the Londoners struggled to stay in the Championship race.

What a game! Arsenal, two goals up, let two points slip away when Sam "I Shave With A Bowie Knife" Allardyce's boys tied the match 2-2. Good English stuff from blue-collar Bolton lads, thought the Mad Brit. Typical of the English fighting spirit, he mused as he downed his beans on toast.

Then the Mad Brit gasped as he looked at the Bolton lineup. Let's rephrase that earlier statement: good French, Spanish, Danish, Swedish, Icelandic, Nigerian and Jamaican stuff. Forget the bloody English stuff. There wasn't an Englishman in sight! It's common knowledge that Arsenal is made up of half the French team under the watchful eye of Professor Arsene Wenger who has a copy of Nicolo Machiavelli's, "The Prince" under his bed lamp. (How else can one explain all those red cards the Gunners accumulate?)

But the Mad Brit was stunned as he scanned down the Bolton Wanderers starting lineup. The MB could barely get his tea-stained tongue around some of the names. There lay the starting list in front of him: Jussi Jaaskelainen (Finland) , Bruno NGotty (France), Gudni Bergsson (Iceland), Florent Laville (France), Bernard Mendy (France), Ivan Campo (Spain), Per Frandsen (Denmark), Jay-Jay Okocha (Nigeria), Ricardo Gardner (Jamaica), Youri Djorkaeff (France), Henrik Pedersen (Denmark). Not a drop of English blood amongst them. Not one mad Brit in the starting mad 11.

It's understandable for foreigners to flock to fashionable clubs such as cosmopolitan Chelsea which sits on the stylish Kings Road, and notable teams like Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal, who pay top-money. But please, Bolton?! Bolton, a town you would rarely step into but for a soccer game or a lecture tour on the Industrial Revolution. "What ever good came from Bolton?" you can hear the Pharisees ask. Bolton even had four Frenchman in its lineup. What gives? There were eight French at the opening whistle of that game. (And wasn't that Gilles Grimandi the Colorado Rapids turncoat hovering in the background near the corner flag?) Now seriously folks, are the French that good? Should there really be eight Frenchman on the field at the opening whistle of an English club game? Didn't the French failed to score a single goal at the 2002 World Cup. Didn't the French fail to win a single game at the 2002 World Cup. Are you telling the Mad Brit that the French are so good, that so many of them should be in the Premier League. If it's true, that all these Frenchmen clearly outshine all those other English boys at Bolton, then I close my case.

Look, the Mad Brit is not knocking the French, but please explain what is so good about all these French players dominating the Bolton lineup? Or Heavens forbid, are the English so bad? Is a league that produces Michael Owen, David Beckham and Wayne Rooney, so thin on talent that a club like Bolton, of all places, can't find room for even one English lad? What does this gritty, old cotton mill town -- the Pittsburgh of England -- have to offer all those Continental footie stars, raised on fine wine and cheeses and dozens of different sauces?

The English only have two sauces -- tomato ketchup and HP. I'll say it again, there was not one Englishman in the Bolton -- a barely top-tier club -- starting 11. Even Arsenal started four English boys - David Seaman, Sol Campbell, Ashley Cole and Ray Parlour.

Now let's get this straight, the Mad Brit has nothing against foreigners. He's no Franco-phobe. Heck, he's married to French blood. He was raised with foreigners. He's all for world peace, holding hands, the United Nations, ban the bomb, the European Union and the international game. On February 7, in this very column the MB raved about the French presence in the EPL ("French Invasion Prove to Boon to England's Premier League") .

And the MB loves the EPL for all its international flavor, and exciting players, but when Bolton can't start an Englishman, somebody has to wave the flag; start asking questions and sing out loud "Land of Hope and Glory." The very fact that Bolton has no room for players from that "sceptured Isle," that "other Eden", that "demi-paradise," as Bill Shakespeare called it, surely tells us something.

Well what, Mad Brit, you may ask? What does it all mean? Maybe its says that the Brits are very tolerable lot. Now, let's see, can you imagine a non-Italian team in Italy, or a non-German lineup in the Bundesliga? How about our American friends. What if D.C. United didn't have a single Yank in its lineup? "Decline of the American game," would be the headlines in The Washington Post. Well, that can't happen in the USA because they limit the number of foreigners.

Maybe it tells us that English players are not really that good. That the English, are not up to par with their European counterparts. Maybe it tells us that foreigners, bought or loaned, come cheaper than English lads, who might demand longer contracts. Maybe it tells us that you can spend, spend and spend -- do anything to stay in the Premier League -- even if it means closing the door on all those English lads trying to climb the ladder for a job at the top level.

Maybe it says that English players must work harder, stay out of the pub more and give up all that greasy food. Maybe it says English players have to change their tactics, work on different skills and fight harder to get into the starting lineup. Maybe it says that no one dares question the sparseness of English players in the EPL for fear of being called a racist or something.

Maybe English coaches have mistakenly lost faith in their English boys. And then, maybe it's all just about money and winning. "It's not about winning or losing," said the great Bobby Charlton in more innocent times. "It's how you play the game." Or maybe, this whole exegesis over Bolton and its mirco-United Nations it's not that important after all. Why does the MB fret? He still has to put the garbage\rubbish out, pay the rent and feed the kids. Now that's important. And didn't former Italian coach Arrigo Sacchi once say soccer is "the most important of the unimportant things in life."

So why don't we call the EPL, the European Premier League, because that's what it really is?

Ed Mulrenan says "Man. United is a pro team which like the mercenary club it is, thinks so little of British players that few United Kingdom citizens are on it and most other EPL clubs. Major League Soccer, like the Spanish League, has large numbers of its own citizens on its teams. That is probably why La Liga in Spain and someday soon MLS will equal or surpass Man. United and the EPL. The USA and Spain does not have the mercenary disdain for its own citizens that Man. United and the EPL has for UK\British citizens."

(Hey Ed, read the above column.)

Jazzdeux says: "I must confess though, that when I read someone degrading MLS, and even more ridiculously comparing MLS to the major European leagues, I smile. What serious fan -- not silly fanatic -- would compare MLS with the big ones when some of those leagues have been around for 50 years or more."

Ben Corder chimes in, too: "What's the point of comparing MLS to the Premiership or any other European league? Give MLS credit for providing American soccer players a place where they can play first-team soccer and consistently improve; the Americans' showing at the last World Cup (for which more than half the roster was MLS-based, I believe) proves that.

Liverbird concurs: "You are right that Beckham would never end up here. Where you are wrong is that if he and Posh ever moved here, he'd demand to play for Los Angeles. That is the USA home of all that is flashy, superficial, and empty-headed. They'd fit right in."

Scott Knapper has a point: "Some people seem to think Becks would have a "vacation" playing in the USA. I don't really see it that way. First and foremost, anyone he plays against would be gunning for him and he would be a marked man."

Rich Lesperance writes: "I have a gripe about who everyone seems to think is the greatest player in the world at the moment. I watched both Man. U. vs. Real Madrid games this last couple of weeks and saw what apparently everyone else is missing. There were six goals for Real in both games. In my mind, there was one man responsible for four of those. The man who created the plays that resulted in those goals (not Ronaldo, he was virtually invisible in the first game. Best in the world?). That man was (Zinedine) Zidane. Why do people always think that a prolific striker exists in a vacuum?

Paul Estrad takes on the MLS basher: "I recently read in your latest article where one of your readers exclaimed: 'MLS is un-watchable. If Real plays like the Harlem Globetrotters, MLS does like the Washington Generals (for those uninitiated, those are the Globetrotter pale skin patsies). There's absolutely no skill, no passing, no dribbling, no finishing. The league is run by a lawyer ill-versed in the game.' To say there is no skill is ridiculous. I guess no skill can get you to the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Gee ,what a mockery that event must be. If there was no finishing, all games would be decided by own-goals.

Mea Culpa. "It's unusual for a Brit to call Cliff Richard Cliff Richards. Can I see your credentials? Best wishes, Goff Tunnicliff (a Cliff Richard fan in my youth)."

And Lisa corrects the MB too :"You wrote in your article that Man. U. are playing Inter Milan in New York -- it is playing Juventus."

Heard a rumor, have a gripe or a tip? Feeling lonely? E-mail the Mad Brit at themadbrit3@aol.com.