Mad Brit Diary

England continues to be haunted by penalty curse.

(Friday, July 2, 2004) -- Disclaimer: This "satire" might include factual errors due to the declining mental state of the writer, a depressed Englishman who has suffered through too many penalty shootouts.

Readers may have noticed that the Mad Brit missed a few columns. I apologize. I've been away for a short while suffering from a slight touch of "soccer psychosis," brought on by England's loss to Portugal in penalty kicks in the Euro 2004 quarterfinals. I'm feeling a little better now. The hair is growing back, the plaster cast has been removed from my right foot, and the hole in the wall has been fixed.

The get-well cards from my many fans were comforting. The one from a Scottish fan with the picture of a thistle dripping with blood, which read: "Beckham sucks at PKs and Owen stinks of BO," was very thoughtful. Another reader wrote: "May the curse of my forefathers forever be on Beckham's right foot. Die you English scum." It's amazing how people do care.

A few days stay at The Shinbone Institute For Disturbed Football Fans in the quaint county of Avon in England, paid for by my grandmother, was a big help. I was surprised that a large number of the patients at Shinbone were from France and Italy. Most of the staff -- former patients -- were Spanish. One Italian fan seemed to keep spitting at me when we passed in the hallway, referring to me as Mr. Snotty. I later found out that he was saying "Totti" and not "snotty."

Watching the video of the 1966 World Cup Final at Wembley Stadium over and over in a therapy session really helped and I was able to connect with a primal scream. Yet, throughout my stay at Shinbone, I kept having vivid dreams of the late Bobby Moore. The former England midfielder kept telling me that "penalty shootouts are banned in heaven, so you might as well die now."

Bobby certainly looked well on those celestial pitches, but his prediction that England would lose on PKs to Senegal in Germany in 2006 was discouraging. Still, the good news is, I have come to terms with the fact that England failed at Euro 2004 and that we must now wait another two years in hopes of bringing home some silverware. Forty years is a long wait, but the agony and pain of defeat is beginning to subside.

The England PK loss to Portugal was hard to get over. I kicked the dog, the cat, the guinea pig and even refused to feed the goldfish after England's failure, but realized that was just being very cruel. So I set fire to my whole CD collection -- even my Cliff Richards and Lulu albums, including "Summer Holiday" -- and felt even worse. That's when dear grandma -- she's 93 and a Hull City fan -- became concerned.

My wife has left me again, but she always returns when the World Cup qualifying games begin. She's German. The pain was so bad, I even considered visiting the famous sports psychologist, Sir Nobby Batistuta Bowleg, but the very idea of talking about Beckham's technique to a stuffed shirt, with a big diploma on the wall, who was once seen wearing an Argentina shirt in Buenos Aires, turned me off.

I'll be honest with you. It's not easy being a Mad Brit, especially if you follow the English national team. You need a strong heart and a stable nervous system to watch this bunch of losers play. The lads always make you suffer and bleed, not to mention the gallons of warm beer one is forced to drink in order to inoculate oneself.

And how much can a devoted fan take? It happened in 1990 against Germany at the World Cup in Italy. That's when I had my first breakdown. It happened in 1996 against Germany at Euro '96 in England. My first wife divorced me two months later and a six-month prison term followed. It happened in 1998 against Argentina at the World Cup in France.

My son was so distressed he left home to play for Wigan Athletic, turning down a lucrative contract with Manchester United. He said he couldn't bare the thought of playing alongside the Spice Boy. (I do worry about my boy. He recently started playing for an all-women's team in San Francisco called The Girlie Pinks.) And now it's happened again in 2004 in Portugal.

Why do we Mad Brits bother? Why go through this suffering, only to see England once more crash out in a penalty shoot? What can't England just lose 6-0 instead of going through this nightmare. Why don't they all just commit hara-kiri at the final whistle of overtime, forget the bloody PKs. Why dangle hope before our noses?

"Not again," I pleaded with the gods as the penalty shootout with Portugal began. The night before, I sacrificed two of my grandmothers best chickens to appease the ancestors and call on supernatural help. Hanging the poor dead stinking fowl from the satellite dish may have not pleased the neighbors, but I thought a sprinkle of voodoo would surely help Beckham, Lampard and Owen.

Alas, Beckham looked like he was making a conversion kick for the Pittsburgh Steelers. The big-screen television set was not spared and grandma says I must buy a new one. Meantime, I've decided to follow cricket.

After dealing Dominica a 10-0 defeat in its first leg of World Cup qualifying, Mexico finished off the Caribbean island 8-0 in the second leg Sunday. The Tricolors now advance to join St. Kitts and Nevis, St. Vincent and The Grenadines, and Trinidad & Tobago in Group C in the semifinal round.

The European Championship in Portugal certainly produced its bag of surprises. A number of big-name teams, including current champion France, Germany, Italy, Spain and England, exited the event earlier than predicted. Greece, an 80-1 favorite going into Euro 2004, became the surprise team of the event beating host Portugal, France and the Czech Republic.

French coach Jacques Santini, said many of his players were tired after a long domestic season with their clubs and blamed some of his star players of being complacent. He even accused the players of betraying him. "I tried to protect the squad by not bawling them out in public," said Santini, who took over from the hapless Roger Lemerre after the debacle of the defense of their world crown in the 2002 World Cup.

"Like one says, I was too nice and they betrayed me by taking advantage of that," said the Frenchman who is now heading to England to coach Tottenham Hotspur.

Costa Rica and Mexico have been invited to compete at the 2004 Copa America that will take place in Peru July 6-25 July. The United States declined the invitation.

:Mexico will compete in Group B alongside Argentina, Ecuador and Uruguay, while Costa Rica is in Group C with Brazil, Chile and Paraguay. Group A is composed of Bolivia, Colombia, Venezuela and the host, Peru.

After playing just 15 minutes in D.C. United's 1-1 Major League Soccer tie with the Dallas Burn last week, 15-year-old American star Freddy Adu told the Dallas Morning News he was getting frustrated at coming off the bench. "Every time I come in, the game has already taken shape," Adu said. "All I had to do is go play defense. I'm on the bench for 75 freaking minutes, then when I come in, everyone on both teams is trying to protect the tie, so what am I supposed to do?. . . I'm at a point now where this is starting to hit me. I've been playing well. . .I just want to play more."

Pierluigi Collina, the famous tall, bald-headed Italian referee retired from international soccer after reaching the mandatory ageof 45. His last international game was Thursday's Euro 2004 semifinal between the Czech Republic and Greece. There are rumors Collina might officiate in the English Premier League in 2005-2006 season.

Cuban forward Alberto Delgado has been allocated to the Colorado Rapids in MLS to replace Zizi Roberts who is out for the season with a knee injury. With the Rapids, Delgado will join fellow Cuban Rey Angel Martinez who, along with Delgado, defected from the Cuban national team at the 2002 Gold Cup in Los Angeles, Calif.

Just 7,123 fans turned up to see the Women's United Soccer Association festival at the Home Depot Center in Carson, Calif., Sunday. Still, fans got to see the best women players in action as the San Diego Spirit, with guest stars Abby Wambach and Mia Hamm, downed the Carolina Courage 2-1. Also at the doubleheader, the Philadelphia Charge beat the San Jose CyberRays 2-0.

The WUSA hopes to have a business plan by the end of the summer for returning in either 2005 or 2006.

German giant Bayern Munich has agreed to let go of England international Owen Hargreaves and Liverpool looks to be the club to sign him. Hargreaves played in three of England's four games in Euro 2004, coming off the substitutes' bench in all three games.

Paul Chapman says: "I think that diving by players is ruining soccer. Carding by referees does not seem to be preventing the activity. I think (world governing body) FIFA should adopt an alternative which might have more effect. Suppose FIFA introduced a penalty, awarding a team a free kick at the edge of the (opponents) penalty box. . . A penalty like this might make players think twice about diving."

Lonnie Barton writes: "Not too long ago I was thinking that DaMarcus Beasley was overrated, but recently he's really looked good. I don't mean just the last two (United States) games against Grenada, but probably the last four or five games, he's really seeming to mature and become a better all-around player. Before it was just kick the ball and try to run past someone, but now he's more under control and looks to attack and distribute. I also like the way that (Landon) Donovan seems to be more willing to take on defenders and not seem to still play a little scared."

Tom Patton writes: "The state of finishing in football may be reaching an all time low. Not just goals, mind you, but just getting the ball on frame> (Euro 2004) has been abysmal in this regard and yet none of the pundits seem to be talking about it. Some of the misses have been unbelievable and unforgivable. How do you miss the frame when you are unmarked with a ball at your feet from five meters in front of goal? Answer -- apparently pretty easily for strikers in this tournament."

Doug Kieffer says: "I haven't yet heard the absolute final announcement on the location of the Chivas USA team, but I'm glad the Fire has, apparently, been spared this hassle (in Chicago). My condolences to the Galaxy for having to bear the burden of (Chivas owner Jorge) Vergara dangling a bunch of pesos in front of the MLS front office. There are many reasons (Chivas sharing Home Depot Center) is a stupid idea, but the bumping of the Fire-United game (off television for the Women's National Basketball Association) on June 5 illustrates that MLS needs a bigger national footprint to garner a modicum of respect.

"Why (Vergara) can't be forced to put the team in Florida or Texas is beyond me. Also, I'm glad MLS completely rearranged its schedule, including the addition of incredibly non-lucrative Wednesday night games, so Real Madrid (could play in the All-Star Game). And now that it's inconvenient, RM will head to Asia while MLS deals with another embarrassment."

Heard a rumor, have a gripe or a tip? Feeling lonely? E-mail the Mad Brit at themadbrit3@aol.com.