Mad Brit Diary

Soccer origins are strictly British.

(Friday, July 23, 2004) -- I nearly choked on my chicken chow mein. The news was devastating. Alright, I know the sun has clearly set on the British Empire -- all but for the Rock of Gibraltar, that is -- but now Sepp Blatter is trying to take away our last vestige of dignity.

The all-powerful president of world governing body FIFA had the nerve to say recently that the Chinese -- not the English -- invented soccer. The most powerful man in football, who once suggested female soccer players should wear skimpy outfits, is now pandering to the Chinese. He's even offering so-called evidence that soccer began in the Orient and not on the lush playing fields of Merry Olde England.

Where's Sir Alex Ferguson when you need someone to kick a soccer boot at someone?

I'm devastated. My forefathers, who once chased a pig's inflated bladder through muddy fields from one English shire to the next, are turning over in their damp graves. "But you cannot deny the history that in China there is a recollection and evidence that they played the game a thousand years ago," Blatter told Sky Sports this week.

"When in China, tell the Chinese they invented everything," seems to be Blatter's motto. After all, think of all those soccer shirts you can sell to a nation of 1.3 billion people that love David Beckham. We all know the Chinese invented gun powder, printing and fortune cookies, but nowhere in Chairman Mao's Little Red Book did it mention anything about soccer. Come on Sepp! Are they padding your expense account in that so-called land of great Socialist equality?

While in China for the Asian Cup, Blatter perused over ancient paintings showing Chinese playing the game of "cuju" which involved kicking a ball to score points. According to Blatter, it all seemed to prove, that while the British were still living in caves, working on the complex architectural details of Stonehenge, the Chinese were holding FA Cup-style finals between the Beijing Tigers and Outer Mongolian Rovers on the rice flats of Tiananmem Square. (We won't mention that little dust-up there in 1989 when heads may have rolled like soccer balls.)

Let's get this clear, as every school boy knows -- the modern game of football began in 1863 in England and was spread around the world by British sailors and drunks. Those supposedly ancient paintings of Chinese courtiers in long flowing Nike gowns, kicking a ball around, that Blatter was forced to see, were actually all metaphorical. Just read Confucius. They were really Taoist paintings, symbolizing that one day in the future China would be kicking the world around like a ball -- which they will if we are not too careful. (They make everything that's sold in Wal-Mart and the Dollar Store, and even on the Portobello Road.)

OK, and if China did play a kinda, sorta, type of soccer game, while we Mad Brits were being butchered by the French Normans on the beaches of Hastings in 1066, they still can't play the game after thousands of years of trying. China competed in its first World Cup in 2002 and failed to win a game, so there! Somebody pass the sweet-and-sour sauce, please.

Wither Yorke -- Whatever happened to Dwight Yorke? Just a few years ago, the ever-smiling Yorke was one of Manchester United's key strikers. Now Yorke, who signed with Blackburn Rovers in 2002, is the club's sixth-choice forward, and wasn't even taken on Blackburn's tour of Germany.

"His social life has taken over from the business side," Graeme Souness told the People newspaper. "Unfortunately, although the lad might not see it now, he will be 40 one day and he will be unhappy with himself because he did not give it everything he should have done."

Meantime, Yorke's teammate at Manchester United and Blackburn, Andy Cole has been transferred to Fulham. In his career, Cole recorded some impressive statistics in the Premier League. In 70 games with Newcastle United, he scored 55 goals, in 195 games at Manchester United, he recorded 93 goals and, at Blackburn, he notched 27 goals.

Zander Bowen writes: "Dear, Mad Brit. While I realize it is hard to accept that the United States is ranked ahead of England, Argentina, Germany, and Italy, a win is a win and a loss is a loss, and if I recall correctly, (while) all those teams have lost since the last rankings, the U.S. has not. The teams that have dropped probably deserve to be where they are. What I find more bizarre is that the U.S. is ranked below Mexico, a team it has owned for the past for years. Good luck to all in World Cup qualification. GO USA!"

John Piatek writes: "I think you are selling Hristo (Stoitchkov) short. When he was with the (Chicago) Fire, he was the driving force behind the development of DaMarcus Beasely and Dema Kovalenko. Stoitchkov took those two players under his wing and they definitely blossomed. He has an eye for up and coming players and earnestly wants them to do well, and he goes out of his way to succeed. I think he will be a star coach around the world due to the respect his players will give him and the buy-in they will have in his ways as he helps them develop into a cohesive unit.

"I don't know if you ever got to watch the Fire practice, but he was always the guy who acted like a coach. Sure, he has a well documented temper, but in many cases, that is actually an asset that (he was) respected for."

Heard a rumor, have a gripe or a tip? Feeling lonely? E-mail the Mad Brit at themadbrit3@aol.com.