Mad Brit Diary

Queiroz is a failure again -- and a wealthy one at that.

(Friday, May 28, 2004) -- Real Madrid demands success and the price for failure is severe even for a smarty pants, like the good looking and well-bred Carlos Queiroz.

As expected, Real Madrid fired Queiroz this week and will replace him with a former Real player -- the hard-nosed Jose Antonio Camacho. Queiroz was given the boot after just one season in Spain following a disastrous year in which the mighty Real Madrid machine -- loaded to the seams with talent - failed to bring home any silverware. Even the Mad Brit could win a few games with Real's lineup. Gee, you don't need to coach Ronaldo, Roberto Carlos, Figo, Beckham, Zidane, and Raul, etc. You just say "Go out and play boys, I'll keep an eye on your BMWs. Let's meet up later for a pizza at the Bull Fight."

Real ended up in fourth place after ending with five consecutive losses and must now qualify for next term's European Champions League. The team has yet to decide whether it will still travel to the United States this summer. You Yanks can go ahead and blame Queiroz if the team doesn't show up in the Land of the Free.

After checking his bulging bank account, the multi-lingual (you have to be to understand Sir Alex Ferguson) may be headed back to Manchester United where was an assistant a year ago, but Tottenham Hotspur is also looking at him.

Queiroz has been round the block or two, but he hasn't actually won a chest of trophies. He coached at Sporting Lisbon, Nagoya Grampus Eight in Japan, and in Major League Soccer with the New York\New Jersey MetroStars back in 1996. The MetroStars won 10 games and lost 10 games under the wise Queiroz.

He guided South Africa to qualification for the 2002 World Cup finals, but resigned before the tournament. The guy has made a ton of money on his travels -- he once wrote up a report on soccer for the U.S. Soccer Federation, earning several hundred thousand dollars for doing it (and totally plagiarizing the Mad Brit in the process) -- but he doesn't actually exude success. U.S. Soccer discarded the report.

Queiroz might boast a good education and come off like a professor, but let's face it, he is not a winner. OK, so he did well with Portugal's youth team once upon a time. New coach Camacho comes to Real after taking Benfica to the Portuguese Cup as well as second place in the league. As a rugged defender, Camacho made 414 appearances for Madrid between 1974 and 1989. He was briefly at Real in the summer of 1998 as an interim coach. The former Spanish national team boss has been handed a two-year contract, but he'll be out in a year, just wait and see. All the gold in the world can't buy success, just ask Carlos Queiroz.

Alan Smith has crossed the Pennines, that mountainous (read hills) backbone of England. Lancashire club Manchester United has signed Leeds United star Alan Smith for $23.1million pounds. The 23-year-old Smith, a life-long Leeds fan, leaves his beloved club after it was relegated to the First Division.

Liverpool fired its French coach Gerard Houllier after six years at the Anfield club. "I may have left Liverpool, but Liverpool will not leave me," Houllier said.

Houllier led the Reds to fourth place in the Premier League and a spot in the Champions League qualification. In 2000-01 Houllier enjoyed his best season - - winning the UEFA Cup, FA Cup, Worthington Cup and European Super Cup. In 2001 he had major surgery after a heart attack, but went on to win the League Cup again in 2002-03.

Barcelona, coached by Dutch coach Frank Rijkaard has dumped four Dutch stars - Patrick Kluivert, Marc Overmars, Phillip Cocu and Michael Reiziger -- in its attempt to limit the club's massive salary bill and to lower the average age of the team. One Dutch player Barca will keep is Edgar Davids, who spent the second half of the season on loan in Barcelona. Kluivert might be heading to the English Premier League.

The U.S. under-20 men will play defending under-20 world champion Brazil June 16 at Lockhart Stadium in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. American youth star Freddy Adu has been called in for the game.

Meantime, Argentina will play Peru in a friendly June 30 at Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J. The game, billed as the Fiesta Cup, will be part of a doubleheader that includes an MLS matchup between the MetroStars and Colorado

Swedish star Henrik Larsson has come out of international retirement to play in the Euro 2004. Larsson has ended his career with Celtic in Scotland where, in 315 games for the Glasgow team, he scored an amazing 242 goals.

Chad writes: "When are the MLS teams going to start cutting the grass lower on their fields? I'm watching the Chicago Fire\Columbus Crew game today, and the game is way too slow. It looks as though this is entirely due to the length of the grass on the pitch. It would be interesting to see how exciting this game would have been had it been played on an English Premiership team's field. The players in MLS have skill and speed, but they cannot showcase their talents if they are constantly waiting for the ball to catch up with them."

Dan from Sunny Isles Beach writes concerning England's chances at Euro 2004: "Seriously, my friends and I have kicked out possible starting lineups. . . and methinks that the team is better off with this formation. Three defenders -- John Terry, Sol Campbell, Wayne Bridge (or Ledley King). Two wing backs -- Ashley Cole and David Beckham. Holding\defensive midfielder -- Steven Gerrard. Two offensive mids -- Joe Cole, Frank Lampard. A withdrawn forward -- Paul Scholes. Top forward -- Michael Owen.

This allows the best 11 players to be on the pitch at once. . . and since there's really no need for Becks' crosses with the midget lineup, have him and Ashley Cole bring up the ball on the flanks. Use the midfielders up and down the pitch as they are actually better finishers, as you have pointed out, than the forwards. Besides, if the opposing defense overplays the passing lanes to Owen, Scholes and Lampard can hammer it in from 25 yards with ease anyway. . . Just a few opinions from a sunny Miami where sand-kicking has never been better."

Valery Villena writes: Hi, Mad Brit. What England really misses in an international tournament is paid (off) referees so we can win it all much like in (the) 1966 (World Cup in England). We all knew Brazil was the best team, so what do we do about it? We put two of our finest to referee them in Dagnall and McCabe against Hungary and Portugal, respectively, so they can kick and punch the crap out of the Brazilians without being penalized.

You see, Mad, it was obvious we had to have the World Cup, and Step One was to get Brazil out. Then, to culminate this masterpiece, to win it all no matter what the cause, we disallowed the German's legitimate goal against us. England -- world champions! Ever wondered why we haven't won anything before or after 1966? More of the same in Portugal this year. No championship. England needs a helping hand to win it all. I'm not saying it. Look it up yourself in the records."

Jason Hilton writes: "What's with the American soccer fan-bashing. First, it's we don't have enough fans. Now, we are not good enough, or proper. Give me a break! Maybe, England fans are so upset because there are really not that good anymore, regarding the world soccer scene."

Jason Day says: "I should probably e-mail this to Edward Lim, but since I don't have his e-mail address, you will have to do. To say that no one in true soccer nations values friendlies is a little misleading. I agree that rankings and friendlies in general are pointless and glorified scrimmages, respectively. However, even great soccer nations have foes that stir passions in friendlies. I have several Mad Brit family members who were more than a little upset, and read some scathing critiques in the British press, when Australia dominated the first half against England's 'A' team a year or so ago (on English soil, no less) and went on to win 3-1 (if memory serves me correctly).

Tim Swortzel writes: "I must agree with Edward Lim on the FIFA rankings. No one cares about the rankings. They are bogus because they count friendlies in the rankings. No respectable football team or country cares about friendlies for anything other than practice. To even think the U.S. is even with England or Germany is a joke. Of course, on our day, we can now play with them as well, which the U.S. showed in the last World Cup."

Tom Patton writes: "Mr. Lim is right. As an ardent USA supporter (the kind who stays up to watch a repeat of a friendly versus Panama on Galavision at 3 a.m.), I can say that is time we start to get over our collective bunker mentality when it comes to international football. Granted, we don't have the free access to hone our players games in the best leagues of Europe, our best athletes don't play soccer, and the American sports media does its best to stonewall the sport. This being said, we also have plenty of money in our Federation, great training facilities and as close to an egalitarian developmental league, (dare I say Communist) MLS, that in some ways would be, I believe, the envy of most football loving nation's federations. This is not to mention the select 40 program which allows us to develop good young talent while also making sure they can speak in thoughtful and complete sentences.

The problem with USA supporters is that for the most part they are an educated, bookish sort of bunch. . . Like any fringe minority, they feel alienated and unloved. They want the world to know that yes, they 'get it,' that football is the beautiful game and want to be acknowledged for getting it. Personally, I really could care less whether the world thinks we are any good or not as long as they invite us to play. Everyone knows that the FIFA rankings, like most things that emanate from FIFA, are a crock."

Chuck from Alabama writes: "We've heard that Beckham, Ronaldo and Zinedine Zidane are to be sold due to their lackluster displays for Real Madrid in recent weeks, and the general underperformance of the club. West Bromwich Albion is rumored to be the leading bidder, facilitated by a cash injection from a mysterious Chechen media mogul. Claudio Ranieri is in contention for the management position, assuming he is released by Chelsea.

Benjamin VanLandingham writes: "In your March 26 diary, Doug Kieffer complains about FIFA's decision to scrap golden goals, saying 'I can't imagine anything more exciting than the golden goal.' Unfortunately, it was the excitement caused by golden goals that prompted FIFA to get rid of them. Apparently they are a security threat and tend to precipitate violence amongst fired-up supporters who do not know how to safely handle the emotional explosion (be it positive of negative) following a game-ending goal.

"While I like the golden goal and despise Sepp Blatter, I have to support FIFA in this directive if it is actually going to result in safer stadia around the world. For the record, we had two instances of golden-goal games in the MLS playoffs at Spartan Stadium (in San Jose, Calif.) last year and the only violence I saw came at the expense of a certain (chap who) chose to proudly display an extremely distasteful and offensive sign."

James William Ash says: "I regret Alan Shearer isn't playing for England, but I fully support him. After the vicious attacks on him by the southern media following his final England game, he must have wondered which country he had been representing. The press seems far happier reporting England defeats than anything else, so let them get on with it. Shearer has nothing to prove, he is a great footballer and a fine person. Pity he plays for Newcastle!"

Dave Kingsworthy of Indianapolis writes: "Mad Brit, what do you think of the England squad for Euro 2004? For me, ignoring (Alan) Thompson and retaining (Nicky) Butt and (Emil) Heskey are strange decisions. I think (Scott) Parker gets in before Butt, and I think even Owen is a questionable choice, made easier by a perceived lack of options. I don't quite agree with you about Shearer, but when young English strikers aren't scoring domestically, older strikers get consideration. Not that they won't score -- I just think (lack of) goal-scoring will keep them from getting to the final."

Heard a rumor, have a gripe or a tip? Feeling lonely? E-mail the Mad Brit at themadbrit3@aol.com.